


I Want to Hold Your Hand

by leviohhsa



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Marauders, Marauders Friendship (Harry Potter), Modern Marauders (Harry Potter)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-30
Updated: 2019-07-30
Packaged: 2020-07-26 01:24:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,392
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20035570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leviohhsa/pseuds/leviohhsa
Summary: At first, Sirius thought that moving to London with his best friends after graduation was a great idea. However, he's starting to see how little he has his shit together. He lives with the cutest couple ever and his friends are all doing well. He can't hold on to anything long enough to feel secure. His anxiety and his bad habits are getting the worst of him. Meanwhile, he's beginning to realize feelings for someone he shouldn't have feelings for. But, maybe he likes him back...? Can Sirius even handle the idea of love when he can't sort out his own emotions?





	1. When I Get Home

## ****

“Sirius, where are you?” James’ voice crackled over the phone.

“Um, well… I _might_ be in the city, in an alley outback of a concert,” Sirius winced as he said this, preparing for the onslaught of James’ disguised worry.

He took a deep breath and leaned against the concrete wall.

“And, you couldn’t tell anyone? You’ve been gone for three days, mate. We’ve been worried about you. Why haven’t you been answering your phone?” Sirius could hear James’ anger just beneath the surface of his concern.

He knew he couldn’t tell James the truth. He couldn’t explain that he was suffocating in the apartment with him and Lily. That his days working at the record store were beginning to drag and make his hands itchy. That he had been drinking a little bit more every weekend, getting a little more fucked up each time. Truth be told, Sirius didn’t know what was wrong or why things were getting bad again.

“I just… I needed to get out. I’m sorry, Prongs.”

He could hear James sigh over the phone, “Okay, well, when are you coming home?”

Sirius knew he couldn’t hide any longer. He’d have to return sooner or later. Jumping from bar to bar and spending each night with a different guy was beginning to take a toll on him, anyways. He’d never admit it but, he had missed his friends.

“I’ll be home later tonight. See you then.”

“Okay. And, Padfoot?” James voice got quieter.

“Yeah, mate?”

“Be careful.”

It was three in the morning when Sirius slowly opened the front door to the tiny apartment he shared with Lily and James. Someone had left the small kitchen light on, presumably for him. As he began his way down the hallway towards his bedroom, he heard a noise. Sirius backtracked, peeking into the living room to find Remus Lupin fast asleep on the couch. His knees were brought up to his chest and his hair was sticking up in every direction, seemingly defying gravity. Sirius sat down on the floor, his back leaning against the couch. He knew he shouldn’t wake him, he looked so peaceful but Sirius couldn’t help it. He looked equally uncomfortable.

Sirius shook Remus’ shoulder, “Moony… Wake up… Come on, you can sleep in my bed, I’ll take the couch… Moony.”

Remus’ eyes slowly opened, his pupils trying to become accustomed to the dark.

“Sirius? You’re home. Thank god. I was-I was so worried about you.” Remus mumbled.

“I know, I know. Why the hell are you out here on this couch? You should have slept in my room. You’re way too tall for this rubbish thing. You would have been so sore in the morning,” Sirius laughed at Remus’ expression as he finally stretched his legs.

“I knew you would wake me up when you got home,” and then under his breath, “well, if you got home.” Remus allowed Sirius to take his hand and hoist him up off of the couch.

“I said I would come home and I did. Now, let’s get some sleep,” Sirius voice deepened with authority.

The two tired boys made their way down the hall to Sirius’ bedroom. He flung open the door, not turning on the light as Remus plopped down, instantly pulling the covers over his head. Sirius peered through the darkness. There were still glasses and beer bottles lined up on his dresser, the room smelled stale from being left alone for an extended period, and there were at least three pairs of dirty boxers stuffed up against the wall next to his hamper. If Remus had been fully awake and functioning, Sirius would be enduring Remus’ favorite lecture. James called it the “Mama Remus’ Soapbox” and Sirius endured it at least once a week.

However, Remus was already beginning to fall back asleep. He looked exhausted. The worry lines on his face were just beginning to fade as his breathing got slower. Sirius looked at his dear friend and immediately felt guilty. How could he have left his friends to worry so much? Why didn’t he just tell them what he was doing or where he was going? Most importantly, what stopped Sirius from voicing his feelings? He knew that although their friendship was mostly based around fun times and jokes, none of his closest friends would hesitate to lend an ear or a helping hand.

When James and Lily broke up for a short period of time a few summers ago, James was a complete and utter wreck. The whole group had stopped at nothing to put him back together (including watching “ Dirty Dancing” for two weeks straight while James pretended not to cry.) When Remus got diagnosed with depression last autumn and couldn’t get out of bed for a week, Sirius had come over and stayed at his apartment. He watered his plants and made sure that Remus ate, even dragging him into the bathroom, putting him the shower fully clothed, and washing his hair. They had all been there when Peter’s mom died, accompanying him to the funeral and making sure he could say a proper goodbye. Sirius had watched as Remus had scooped Lily up off the ground when she had her first panic attack. They were no strangers to each other’s issues.

Sirius rubbed his eyes as the exhaustion of his latest bender washed over him. He looked longingly at the empty side of his bed, not wanting to curl his long legs up onto that god-awful couch. He knew Remus wouldn’t care, they had slept in the same bed more times than he could count. But that was all before Sirius had come out. He didn’t know if things were different now that Remus knew he was gay. At this point, he didn’t care, he just wanted to sleep.

Sirius, not even bothering to change, crawled under the covers and let out a deep sigh.

“Sirius, are you okay?” A small whisper came from deep within the blanket.

Sirius was taken aback, thinking that Remus had been sound asleep. He didn’t know how to answer. He didn’t want to lie anymore.

“Not really, Moony,” He whispered back, matter-of-factly.

“Do you wanna talk about it?”

“Not really,” Sirius sighed, just admitting that he wasn’t okay was enough for tonight.

He just needed someone to know. Someone to cling onto when his brain was swirling around in outer space.

Without thinking about it, he reached out his hand and found Remus’ underneath the sheets. He held onto it, wrapping his fingers tightly around Remus’ warm hand. When Remus stayed silent and didn’t hold onto him back, Sirius quickly slid his hand out from his.

“I’m sor-“ Sirius began.

“S’okay,” Remus mumbled breathlessly, taking Sirius’ hand back into his own, this time, holding on tightly.

“I get it.” Remus stated, before dozing off to sleep.

Sirius slept better than he had in months.

********

When Sirius woke up the next morning, he was alone. He blearily rubbed his eyes and tried to adjust to the sunlight streaming through his curtains. He looked around and noticed that there were no longer any beer bottles or glasses on his dresser, his dirty laundry was tucked away in his hamper, and the window was open a crack, bringing fresh air into the room. Sirius smirked.

He stretched, letting out a big yawn and piled his mess of long, unwashed, black hair on the top of his head in a bun. He reached for his phone, which he assumed Remus had plugged in for him because he sure as hell didn’t last night. Remus J Lupin: Angel on Earth, Sirius thought as he unlocked the screen. It was 12:30 in the afternoon and he had five unread text messages, two missed calls, and one voicemail. Sirius knew he couldn't deal with all of that before coffee.

He crawled out of bed, finally feeling how dirty his body actually was. He had mud all over his jeans and he reeked of cigarettes and cheap beer. After three days, he longed for a warm shower.

"Look who's home!" A sharp voice sounded from the kitchen as Sirius came out of his bedroom.

Lily, who had probably been up for hours, was brewing a pot of coffee. Her fiery hair was pulled back into a tight ponytail. She was wearing her gym clothes, her sneakers still unlaced.

Sirius sneered at her, "Ugh, how can you possibly even consider going to the gym at this hour?" He took the mug of coffee she offered him.

"Sirius, it's almost one in the afternoon. And, you don't work out at any hour," she retorted.

Sirius rolled his eyes, dismissing the fact that she was right and took a big gulp of coffee.

Lily looked at him with disgust, "What I don't get it how you can drink that black. I need at least three sugars before I can even think of drinking it."

"Not all of us are weak, Evans," Sirius smirked.

Lily, not drinking any coffee herself, opened the fridge and pulled out a protein shake.

"So, Remus slept in your room last night? I caught him leaving this morning." There was an insinuation in her tone.

"Yes, because that god-awful couch you bought at the flea market is the equivalent of sleeping on rocks and there was no way I was letting him take the 3AM bus. He's too fragile."

"Sirius... Do you like him?" Lily was not one to beat around the bush.

He was baffled.

"No! The scrawny ones aren't my type. However, if your boyfriend keeps bulking up, you better watch out." Sirius downed the rest of his coffee and made his way to the shower.

Sirius stood underneath the hot water for far too long, letting it turn his skin pink. He imagined the past three days washing off of him. All the different bars, all the different guys. He closed his eyes and imagined each touch of the skin being erased by the steam that was quickly surrounding him.

_But not last night,_ he thought.

_Wait, what? _

Sirius' brain halted and his eyes opened.

Yes, he held Remus' hand but that was out of friendship. It didn’t mean anything. Remus was just reaching out to him and letting him know that he wasn't alone. There was nothing more to it! It was just Lily interfering with his thoughts. He could never have any sexual feelings for someone that ironed his socks.

Sirius shook the thoughts out of his head as he turned the shower off and got out. He stood in front of the fogged up mirror, his towel wrapped around his waist. He brought his finger to the mirror and wrote, “Sod off, Evans” in the center of a poorly-drawn heart. He smiled at his handiwork.

He staggered into his now-clean room and made sure to throw his dirty laundry into the hamper as to avoid Mama Remus’ Tirade. He tugged on a fresh pair of dark jeans and a t-shirt. He put his hair back into a bun and stared into his dusty bedroom mirror. He looked like trash and he did not care.

Sirius had almost forgotten that it was a Wednesday night. When they all graduated, it quickly became apparent how hard it was to keep in touch. So, James and Lily decided that it was time to establish a Family Dinner Night. Now, every Wednesday night, the whole gang comes over and Remus and Lily try to make an edible dinner. Approximately an hour later, James orders take out.

Sirius hadn't realized what day it was until Remus Lupin walked through the front door with grocery bags and his heart skipped a beat.

_ Shit. _


	2. Chapter 2

***

“Um, I could use some help here, Princess,” Remus groaned, struggling with the bags laced around his wrists. Remus never took two trips.

Sirius stared at him for another moment and then quickly sprang to action, taking the bags from Remus’ arms and setting them on the dining room table. He began taking the contents out, one by one.

“What’s for dinner tonight, Moony?” Sirius asked with a tone of forced normalcy.

“Well, Lily wanted to make chicken parmigiana…” Remus began.

“So… Thai food?” Sirius chuckled.

“Most likely.” Remus conceded.

Lily swept into the kitchen, her reading glasses perched on her nose and an ancient cookbook in her hands. She ignored the two of them and began rummaging through the cupboard seemingly searching for ingredients.

“Basil, Remus, we need basil!” Lily screeched.

“If it is that important, Lily, I will go back to the store to get basil,” he responded, calmly.

Under his breath and with a hint of a smile on his lips, Sirius asked, “She’s really taking tonight seriously, isn’t she?”

Remus dismissed the comment and announced to Lily that he and Sirius would go to the store to pick up fresh basil and be back as soon as possible. Lily, who seemed as if she had already moved on to trying to select the appropriate pot to boil the pasta in, waved her hand, dismissing them.

Sirius slipped his shoes on and grabbed his jacket off the coat hook (which he did not recall ever placing there.)

“Yeah, sure, Remus, I’ll go to the store with you, thank you so much for asking!” He intoned just loud enough for Remus to hear.

Once in Remus’ beat-up Volkswagen, Sirius began flipping through the radio stations. Sirius loved Remus’ car. It was well-worn and definitely could use some work, but it was warm, clean, and always smelled like french vanilla coffee. Remus had looked so victorious as he handed over a check of a summer’s worth of hours at the coffee shop. He had quickly enforced rules for every passenger in his car. Except for himself, no one was to eat, drink, or leave stray receipts in his car. If any of them were to violate one of Remus’ laws, they were not to be allowed back in it until Remus would finally give in. Sirius took a deep breath and settled on an alternative indie station. He glanced over at Remus, hands firmly placed on the steering wheel at 10 and 2, brow furrowed as he navigated his way through five o’clock traffic. He was being uncharacteristically quiet, especially with Sirius playing a song that had at least one banjo blasting through the old speakers.

“Moony, you okay?” Sirius asked as he turned the volume down on the stereo.

Remus sighed and tightened his grip on the wheel.

“Sirius, the reason I’m driving another 15 minutes out in terrible traffic for basil isn’t just because Lily terrifies me,” he began, “In fact, the reason she’s acting extra tyrannical about Family Dinner tonight is that we’re going to have a special guest.”

Sirius looked across the console at Remus with confusion.

“Who could possibly be coming that would be causing such a ruckus?” Sirius laughed.

As Remus pulled into the parking lot, he muttered, “Well, um, my girlfriend.”

-

Sirius offered to go into the store to grab the basil and insisted he knew where to find it. Remus nodded and promptly changed the radio station as soon as Sirius unbuckled his seat belt.

That’s great! He deserves someone, Sirius made himself think.

_But why do I feel like my lungs are slowly constricting?_ was the thought that followed.

He walked through the automatic doors and made a beeline for the liquor aisle, disregarding the herbs and spices completely.

Champagne. That’s what we need. Tonight is a celebration!

He picked up a bottle of whiskey as well.

He opened the car door, the bottles and a single package of fresh basil clinking together in the bag as he placed it between his legs.

Remus raised his eyebrows, “What’s the alcohol for?”

“Well, it’s a celebration, isn’t it?” Sirius faked a smile, “besides, she’s gonna need something to get her through meeting all of us.”

Remus’ eyes widened, “You’re probably right.”

-

Lily graciously took the bag from Sirius as soon as he walked into the flat. Her smile widened when she saw the bottles of liquor.

“Good idea, Black.”

He nodded in reply and quickly withdrew a glass, poured a bit of whiskey and took a gulp.

“Whoa there, Padfoot, let’s not get ahead of ourselves,” James warned as he strode into the dining room, ruffling his hair.

James picked up the bottle and, when Lily’s back was turned, took a swig.

He winced, “You got the good stuff, Paddy, what’s the occasion?”

“Oh, you haven’t heard the news? Our boy, Remus, is bringing a young lady here tonight,” Sirius explained, taking another hearty swig.

James sensed something in Sirius’ voice but let it go for the time being.

“I heard! When is she coming, Moony?”

Sirius glanced at the digital clock on the microwave and saw that it was nearly six thirty. His stomach grumbled and he realized that all that was in his stomach was the coffee Lily had made him that afternoon.

“Should be here any second, actually,” Remus' cheeks reddened.

“James, dear, would you and Sirius go set the table, please?” Lily interrupted, a stack of plates in her hands.

James took the plates and planted a swift kiss on her cheek. He handed half of the plates off to Sirius and they made their way to the table.

“So… what do you know about her, Prongs?” Sirius asked, nonchalantly.

“I think Remus wants to make a grand introduction so Lily has kept me mostly in the dark. But they gossip like old ladies so I’m sure she knows all about this mystery girlfriend. All I know is that they started dating a few months ago.”

Sirius thought back to Remus’ actions and demeanor during the previous weeks. He couldn’t pinpoint any difference. Then again, Sirius had been on one of his escapades for quite some time. He had spent about three weeks in Vegas, weaving in and out of varying states of intoxication. When he had come home Lily, James, Remus, and Peter had sat him down and tried a bit of an “intervention” on him, mainly because he hadn’t told anyone he was going. The truth was, he didn’t even really realize he was going until he was on the plane. Sirius recalled trying to sneak into the flat at three in the morning the night he flew home. He had made it to his bedroom and had plopped on top of his bed and subsequently on top of a sleeping Remus. Remus had startled awake, falling onto the floor, spewing a string of curses. When Remus had seen that it was Sirius, he had immediately stopped cursing and threw his arms around him. A few seconds later, however, he pulled back, his face grim.

“You never called any of us, Sirius. We didn’t know where you were.”

“I know,” is all Sirius could reply.

A loud snore coming from the carpet near the foot of the bed snapped the tension between them. Sirius peered through the darkness and found Peter, curled up on the floor, mouth open and drooling.

Sirius didn’t think any of them had fully forgiven him for not telling them where he was. He knew he should have called but his phone battery was dead the whole trip and he never really stopped long enough to feel guilty about his actions.

A knock on the door broke Sirius out of his reverie.

“Hello! Welcome!” Sirius heard Lily merrily shout from the front door.

“Hi, Lily! Thank you so much for having me over!” The voice in the doorway replied.

Sirius paused.

He knew that voice.

He had grown up with that voice.

A tall girl with bright pink hair walked into the dining room.

“Sirius!” The girl said cheerily. 

“Nymphadora…” Sirius replied, a shock going through his whole body.

Sirius sat at the table, his glass of whiskey in hand, dazed. Remus was dating his cousin, Nymphadora Tonks. He adored Tonks and had suffered through countless real family dinners with her by his side. However, her presence at this table was incredibly off-putting. He wasn’t even entirely sure how Tonks and Remus knew each other, let alone how they had become close enough to date. James nudged him under the table and gave him a reassuring look.

He adored Tonks and had suffered through countless real family dinners with her by his side. However, her presence at this table was incredibly off-putting. He wasn’t even entirely sure how Tonks and Remus knew each other, let alone how they had become close enough to date. James nudged him under the table and gave him a reassuring look.

“Nymphadora, how did you and Remus meet?” Peter asked, scooping another serving of spaghetti onto his plate. Lily beamed from across the table at the sight of people eating her food (and not spitting it out.) Peter had arrived as Lily had given up on waiting for him and began serving out helpings.

“I actually go by Tonks, but Sirius seemed to have forgotten that earlier,” Sirius’ eyes shot towards her, sheepishly, “but, Remus and I met at the coffee shop! He messed up my order about three times before he finally managed to get it right. He must have been flustered.” Tonks' eyes sparkled and she let out a laugh.

Remus smiled at her and cleared his throat, “I guess I must have been.”

\- 

The night continued without incident. Sirius kept refilling his glass, having a side of chicken parmigiana with his whiskey. By dessert, he could feel the alcohol buzzing in his legs and permeate through his mostly-empty stomach. Peter looked at him worriedly when he stood up and swayed.

“You alright, mate?” Peter whispered.

“Perfectly perfect, Wormy. Just need a smoke.” Sirius slurred slightly.

He slipped his hand into the pocket of his leather jacket slung over the chair and withdrew his pack of cigarettes and his Zippo. James and Lily cast a knowing look between them but Sirius ignored them and staggered toward the fire escape.

“If you’ll excuse me…” he said as an afterthought. The manners his parents taught him still hadn’t completely left him.

He crawled out the window, shutting it behind him and stood on the rickety fire escape. He lit the cigarette and took a long drag. The nicotine entered his system and he let out a sigh of relief. He didn’t want to admit it to himself but he was craving something a bit stronger. He let his drunken thoughts wander as he overlooked the city of London. He watched a drunk couple stumble along the sidewalk, cigarettes in hand. He listened to the far away beeping of traffic and the fall wind ruffling the leaves. He closed his eyes and willed the wind to erase his thoughts.

One thought, in particular, was plaguing him, _Why do I feel jealous?_

As he ashed the cigarette, the window slid open behind him. It was James. He held a cup of black coffee in one hand and a piece of chocolate in the other.

“The coffee is from Lily, the chocolate from Moony,” he explained, gruffly.

Sirius’ heart rose as he took the mug and slipped the chocolate into his mouth. Remus always knew the right time for a little bit of comfort food. It was a super power of his. He could always tell exactly when any of the members of the group needed some chocolate therapy and he never failed to deliver. When Lily was suffering from the worst of cramps, Remus would appear in the kitchen, with dark chocolate cupcakes, slathered in frosting and topped with Reese’s. The week Sirius had tried to quit smoking, Remus had left a little Andes mint chocolate bar on his pillow every night.

Now, the chocolate melted in Sirius’ mouth and he allowed himself to smile.

“I needed that,” Sirius said.

“He always knows when you do,” James replied, not bothering to hide his amazement, “Need anything else?”

“Nah, thank you, though. I might go for a stroll, try to sober up a bit. I drank a bit too much and I don’t want to ruin the party,” he replied innocently.

“You always do,” James winked and made his way back into the flat.

-

Sirius had escaped just as the five of them began playing a rousing game of charades. He could not stomach the thought of being inside playing dinner party games right now. He made his way down to the sidewalk and began walking the same path the drunken couple had taken earlier. He took out another cigarette and smoked it unceremoniously. He knew where he would go.

Club Orchid was one of Sirius’ old haunts. He hadn’t been in years, but tonight felt like a good night to revisit some old memories. The place smelled of stale beer and cheap perfume, and he loved it. He sat at an all too familiar bar stool and flagged down his favorite bartender, Louis.

“Long time, no see, Sirius. What would you like?” Louis winked.

Sirius smiled at him and said, “Whiskey sour. Make it a double.”

Louis went to work making the drink and Sirius took a moment to examine him. Louis hadn’t changed much since Sirius stopped frequenting the club, if anything he had gotten bulkier. He had broad shoulders and short, brown hair that he gelled upwards. Sirius had hooked up with him a few times, back in the day. It was nothing more than a quick snog in the men’s toilet, but at the time, Sirius still hadn’t come out and the rendezvous had an air of sexy secrecy about it.

Louis slid the glass in front of Sirius, “On the house, handsome.”

Sirius smiled and took a sip. It was the strongest, and therefore, the best whiskey sour he had ever tasted.

After another three whiskey sours and a shot of tequila, Louis asked, “Anything else?”

“You.” Sirius slurred.

“I’m off in 15 minutes, but I can split early…” Louis replied, breathlessly.

-

A half an hour later, Sirius found himself inside the biggest flat he had ever been in. Not that he really got a chance to look around because as soon as he and Louis boarded the lift, Louis’ tongue was in his mouth. The lift dinged, indicating they had reached Louis' floor. They momentarily parted long enough to exit the lift and for Louis to unlock the door. Sirius slammed the door behind them, pushing Louis toward the couch. His heart was beating fast and the alcohol was blurring the edge of his vision, but a warm body and the lips kissing his neck felt so good.

Louis lifted Sirius’ shirt above his head and began trailing his tongue down Sirius’ neck, down his stomach and just underneath the waistband of his jeans. Louis continued teasing him, his hand feeling the rise in Sirius’ pants and his mouth fiercely kissing his neck.

“Remus,’ Sirius groaned.

Louis giggled, “What does that mean?”

Sirius felt his body instantly sober up. He leaped up from the couch, practically knocking Louis sideways. He pulled his shirt over his head and made his way to the door.

“I’m sorry, I have to go,” he barely got the words out as he slammed the door, bypassed the lift, and took the steps two at a time.


	3. Like Dreamers Do

***

Sirius knocked on the door impatiently. He didn't know where to go at first. He knew he absolutely could not go home. The dinner party was surely still going on and he was not prepared to pretend he was okay.

The door opened to Alice Longbottom in a polka dot pajama set, a glass of wine in hand.

“Sirius? Is everything okay?” She furrowed her brow in concern.

“Well, er… not really. Look, can I just come in?” Sirius replied, staring down at his shoes.

“Yeah of co-” she began.

“Who is it, dear?” Frank Longbottom’s voice came from somewhere inside the apartment.

Alice answered his question by swinging the door open further, revealing Sirius.

Sirius smiled feebly and Alice moved aside, allowing him space to come in. He carefully removed his jacket, hanging it on the DIY-inspired coat rack adjacent to the door. He slipped off his shoes and walked into the Longbottom’s incredibly homey kitchen. The dishes were carefully placed and drying next to the sink, a vanilla scented candle was lit on the bar, and Alice wasted no time offering him a much-needed glass of wine.

“I don’t mean to offend, but you look like hell,” Frank told him.

Sirius took a sip of the proffered moscato and laughed.

“No offense taken. I agree,” he replied.

An hour later, Sirius was sitting at the Longbottom’s kitchen table, a mug of decaf black coffee in front of him and Alice’s hand squeezing his.

He had told them everything. He couldn’t hold it in anymore and he couldn’t keep lying to himself. He told them what had happened with Louis and how it had felt to hold Remus’ hand. He talked about how he felt misplaced betrayal when Tonks had walked into his kitchen only hours earlier. Alice had listened, offering advice where she could. Frank nodded sternly, sympathy woven into his frown.

When he had finished talking, Sirius took a deep, ragged breath and slumped back in his chair. His body felt truly exhausted and his throat was scratchy from talking for so long. He wondered why he couldn't have talked like this to Lily or James before.

“Well, Sirius, it’s hard to give advice because it’s not an easy situation. Maybe these feelings will pass and you can just continue to be friends,” Frank spoke quietly.

Sirius nodded, “I’m not going to risk our entire friendship over a few weird feelings.”

Sirius steeled himself, he had to make a decision right then and there about what he was going to do. He knew if he didn't, he would overthink and his thoughts would spiral. He could feel his palms getting itchy and the urge to run away creep up inside of him. 

Shut the feelings down and do not ruin your friendship with him, he thought over and over again, allowing the thoughts to mask over everything that had happened.

“It’ll get better soon, hun,” Alice said, reassuringly.

-

After insisting he was okay to go home for the night, Sirius gave each of them a hug, thanking them profusely for listening. He left their home with a promise that they would get together again soon. When he said it, he really meant it. They had welcomed him with open arms without hesitation. He shouldn't push them away.

Sirius zipped up his jacket and watched his breath form in the cold air. He reached into his pocket to retrieve a cigarette only to realize that the pack was empty. He sighed and changed direction towards the nearest petrol station.

It’s not that he needed to smoke, he just liked having something to do with his hands while he thought. He was fidgety and smoking made him feel slightly better, allowing him to separate his thoughts from one another. He had attempted to quit many times and had been forced to sit through many lectures given by Remus and Peter, both of whom had never smoked a cigarette in their lives, god bless them. Lily and James never seriously smoked but would often come up to him at parties, asking for a smoke and his lighter. He had always obliged, knowing that neither of them would ever pick up the habit themselves.

Sirius’ phone buzzed. He hadn’t checked it since he left the apartment hours ago.

Prongs:

_(11:29PM)_ **Where are you? **

And from Remus:

Moony:

_(9:07PM)_ **Are**** you okay? Where'd you go??**

He quickly replied to James, telling him that he was on his way back. He left Remus’ message alone, not knowing how to talk to him just quite yet. He knew Remus would probably be upset with him. Sirius had left in the middle of Remus’ important dinner with no explanation.

He walked into the Mobil station and made his way to the candy aisle. He scooped up two Snickers, a KitKat bar, and a handful of Reese’s Cups (Remus’ favorites.) Sirius hoped that the chocolate would stand as a peace offering. He stopped and picked up an orange soda for Peter, a pack of gummy worms for James, and a big bottle of cream soda for Lily (who would be the most offended at Sirius’ abrupt departure during her dinner.) He asked for a pack of Turkish Royals and swiped his card, leaving with copious amounts of junk food, his cigarettes, and a wink from the bespectacled gas station clerk.

He felt better. He had talked it out and now it all seemed ridiculous. Of course he didn’t have feelings for Remus. It was absurd to even imagine that he would want to climb into bed with the boy that broke his nose just stepping on James’ skateboard in third year. Not to mention, Remus was not Sirius’ type. He was tall and lanky, covering his wiry torso in sweaters and his long legs in dark jeans or corduroys. He was always reading with his reading glasses perched at the end of his nose, which infuriated Sirius. Whenever he saw Remus poring over a book or magazine, he wanted to smack the material out of his hand and push the glasses up his nose. Besides, he could never be with someone that preferred Star Trek over Star Wars.

It was decided.

They would remain friends and Sirius would go back to the petrol station later that week to ask for the clerk’s number.

-

Sirius opened the door to an empty apartment. The kitchen had been cleaned, the dishes put away, and a plate of leftovers sat on the counter with “For Padfoot, the Dinner Ditcher, Love Lily” written across the plastic wrap in permanent marker. Sirius smiled. All was well, then. She would never had made him a plate like that if she was upset. In fact, she would have trashed the rest of the leftovers altogether or put a padlock on the fridge. She had done it before and he had no doubt she would do it again. He put the plate in the microwave and set the timer. He placed his bag of groceries on the table and pulled out his phone once more. Remus had texted him again.

Moony:

_(12:02AM) _ **Padfoot,** ** what's going on?**

Sirius sighed and stared at his phone, trying to think normal thoughts and come up with an acceptable response.

Padfoot:

_(12:03AM)_ ** I drank too much and went for a walk. Got lost. Proceed to tell me how utterly stupid I am. How did the rest of the night go?**

He typed and then immediately erased it. It sounded heavy with excuses.

Padfoot:

_(12:03AM)_ ** Drank too much and needed air. Sorry, mate.**

He hit send before he could change his mind.

The timer beeped and he took out his food. He had lost his appetite.

-

The next morning, Sirius attempted to make up for the previous night’s events as he served breakfast for James and Lily. They exchanged wary looks as he offered each of them a plate of bacon.

“Don’t you want eggs and maybe some toast with that, Pads?” James asked, cautiously.

Sirius didn’t cook. He was terrible at it.

Lily caught Sirius’ eye, smiled, and jumped down from the bar stool. She pulled out a frying pan from the cabinet and began frying up some eggs.

“We’d be lost without her…” James whispered, admiringly.

Sirius chuckled and nodded his head in agreement.

“While you were off gallivanting around town last night,” Lily began, “we played a riotous game of charades and even started a round of Truth or Dare.”

“Started?” Sirius asked.

“Yes, why don’t you tell Sirius why we never got to finish, dear?” Lily inquired pointedly of James.

“I might have dared Peter to drink every time Tonks said, ‘like...’” James said, regret filling his eyes.

Just then, their conversation was interrupted by a soft moan coming from a lump of blankets on the living room floor. Sirius watched as Peter, with great difficulty, extracted himself from his cocoon. His sandy blonde hair stuck up in every direction and he had big purple bags underneath his eyes. His shirt had stains spattered across the front, their sources questionable, and he wasn’t wearing pants.

“Sorry to wake you up there, mate.” James told Peter, humor in his voice.

Peter didn’t respond as he rubbed his eyes and moaned. He looked at the three of them for a moment and then very quickly made his way to the bathroom, which, by the sound of it, he had made it to just in time.

Lily winced and began a pot of coffee, presumably more for Peter than for herself. She took out a bottle of Advil, poured a glass of water, and prepared a greasy plate of bacon, a la Sirius.

Lily always took extra care of the four friends because, Sirius suspected, she thought that they were incapable of doing so themselves. He had to admit that in most cases, she was right.

The front door opened and Remus entered, shivering.

“It got so cold overnight and I do not appreciate it,” he stated.

He unraveled his scarf and took off his jacket, draping it over the dining chair. His hair was wet from a recent shower and his nose was bright red from the cold. He plopped down on the stool next to Sirius.

_ He looks so fucking adorable. _

Sirius choked a little on his bacon.

Repressing his thoughts, he shouted, “Perfect! You’re all here!” 

He grabbed the plastic bag of goodies he had purchased the night before and began handing them out, setting aside the orange soda for when Peter recovered.

They were all grateful for Sirius’ small gifts and knew that it was his way of apologizing. They had grown accustomed to Sirius’ 'apologies' over the past few months, but they always forgave him.

Remus gave him a small smile as he broke his KitKat and took a bite.

“Sirius, what are you doing today?” Remus asked.

Sirius' heart quickened.

“Absolutely nothing,” he replied, nonchalantly.

"Well, it is your lucky day! Tonks and I were supposed to go to an art show but she got called into work," Remus began. 

Sirius hated the way her name sounded coming out of Remus' mouth. It was too unfamiliar.

"I take your lack of response as hesitation..." Remus said, "I'll buy you lunch!"

Sirius knew he would say yes. Remus could have asked him to go dumpster diving and Sirius would say yes. 

Feigning disinterest, Sirius replied, "Hm, depends on where you take me to lunch. And what the so called 'artist' is." 

Remus' eyes lit up, "Anywhere you want, Pads. And, it's a Van Gogh exhibit."

Sirius scoffed, “Ugh, Van Gogh is soooo derivative.”

Remus smiled, “I taught you that word and I still don't think you know what it means.”

“Yeah, and you can teach me more when we go this afternoon. Like, synonyms for ‘boring,’” Sirius mocked.

Remus’ face crinkled into a grin and he began listing out options for lunch.

-

Later, Sirius found himself sitting at a drab table across from Remus at Henry’s Diner. He had never been here before, but Remus had insisted that they had the best chips in the city. Sirius could not pass up that possibility. They had been talking about everything but last night since they got here. Remus had told him all about the book he was reading and Sirius had given him a play-by-play of the previous week's worth of episodes of Love Island.

When their food had come, Remus was practically shaking with excitement as Sirius took a bite of a chip. He had to admit, it was delicious. It had just the right amount of salt and vinegar and it was crispy without losing too much of the soft potato inside.

Sirius nodded, “These are, undeniably, the best chips around. You were right, Moony.”

Remus took a bite of his sandwich triumphantly, “I always am.”

-

When they got to the art gallery, there was already a line. Sirius hadn’t thought it was going to be such a grand event. He knew Van Gogh was one of the most famous artists of all time but he didn’t think that this many people actually cared enough to come to an exhibit on a Thursday afternoon. Remus, cozily wrapped up in his peacoat and black scarf, tugged Sirius by his jacket sleeve toward the front doors.

Remus’ eyes wandered around the room, bouncing from painting to painting. Sirius nabbed the tickets out of Remus’ hands and handed them to the collector. They were waved through and they made their way to the first painting. Sirius hadn’t known that Remus was so passionate about Van Gogh, or, quite frankly, even art.

“I’ve always wanted to see Van Gogh’s work in person,” Remus explained, poring over one painting titled, Bedroom in Arles.

Sirius glanced over at the canvas, taking in the colors and the brushstrokes and realized he kind of liked it.

“There’s something about Van Gogh that I love,” Remus continued, “No one thought he was a good painter, in fact, most of the townspeople thought he was a madman and wanted him locked up. He never even got to see the public embrace his work. Nothing like this. I just wish I could somehow let him know how talented he was, how his art resonates with people. But, he’ll never know…” He trailed off as they finally reached what appeared to be the main event: The Starry Night , a painting that even Sirius recognized.

When they were in front of it, he looked over at Remus, who had tears in his eyes. Sirius didn’t know what to do. It seemed like a very intimate moment. He hadn’t known how much this exhibit had meant to Remus.

Sirius squeezed Remus’ arm, “You okay?”

“I am more than okay,” Remus responded, a wide grin spreading across his face.

Sirius wanted to embrace him then and there, but instead he listened as Remus explained the story behind the painting and the techniques Van Gogh had used. He nodded along, clearly understanding how passionate and excited Remus was about this subject. There’s no way in hell he would ever stop him. And he didn’t. Remus kept talking about different artists and their life stories all the way back to the car.

Finally, as Remus pulled out onto the road, he quieted. From what Sirius could tell, the excitement of the day had exhausted him.

It began to rain and the sound of it hitting the windshield filled the car as they sat in comfortable silence the rest of the ride home.

-

It was dark out when Remus finally pulled into the apartment’s lot. He had declined the invitation to come inside and Sirius could tell that it would be an early night for him.

Before Sirius got out, Remus stopped him.

“I’m really glad you came with me. I’m sure it was incredibly boring for you but, I had a lot of fun.”

Sirius smiled and looked up at him, “Moony, I had fun. It wasn’t boring. I’m sorry you couldn’t go with Tonks though.”

“I don’t think she would have let me talk about Monet’s entire life’s work after listening to me describe every painting shown at a Van Gogh exhibit for two hours,” he replied.

“I bet she would have,” Sirius began to feel awkward.

“Yeah,” is all Remus responded.

Sirius said goodbye and closed the car door.

-

As Sirius began drifting off to sleep later that night, his phone buzzed.

Moony:

_(11:13PM)_ ** If you tell Prongs or Wormtail that I cried at an art gallery, I will end you. :)**

Sirius smiled down at the screen.

Padfoot:

_(11:15PM)_ ** I require more chips and then we’ll talk.**

Moony:

_(11:17PM) _ **Go** ** to sleep.**

Padfoot:

_(11:18PM)_ ** You're the one that needs the extra beauty sleep...**

Moony:

_(11:18PM)_ ** There's another art exhibit this weekend. Wanna go??**

Sirius smiled. _I'd go anywhere to have another day like today._

Padfoot:

_(11:20PM)_ ** Goodnight.**


End file.
